This blog post talks about the subject we are all too familiar with. It all comes down to self worth. If you feel unworthy, then you send out those exact vibes and in turn get treated with no respect. The cycle begins in childhood. A parent who distorts your perception of yourself and the world around you to make you believe that you are incapable of loving yourself or others, is the root cause of this feeling of unworthiness. Every relationship you have in your adult life will be affected by your perception of who you are. This blogger talks about it more:
I’m starting to understand why my ongoing struggle is so real and frustrating. I never could understand why I couldn’t pick myself up when I have all the things that one would think would be enough. I have a place to live, food to eat, and the opportunity to go to school and work. Yet, I feel like I’m walking on a thin wire and trying to balance the weight of all my problems. I realized, that I don’t have anyone in my life except myself. I don’t have a support system or some one I can talk to. All my relationships are damaged or broken, and I can’t figure it out all on my own how to repair them.
I’ve lived in a zombie like state for the past twelve years of my life. My depression was so apparent but I couldn’t attribute how I lived my life to this disease, I always blamed myself for everything. I was taught to. I was taught to push away people who sincerely cared about me, and was forced to lower my worth. I was taught that I deserved to feel sad and to hate myself. I was so isolated at times, that I probably would have killed myself a long time ago. The only thing that gave me love and kept me alive was my dog, Gracie. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know where I would be. I would probably have ended up like a sociopath, just like my mom. Or I simply would have killed myself.
I just feel stuck. I go in and out of feeling positive and realizing that I do have control over my life, and then the next day something will happen and I’m back to my old depressed state, where I can’t even get out of bed. I’m feeling angry at almost everyone who I’ve ever encountered in my life. I feel angry at myself for letting people use me and for letting my guard down so many times. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I think I have to give up trying to fix everything that’s broken, and just move on somewhere else. Just get out of southern california, and find a place where people are warm, kind, loyal, sincere, down to earth, have morals, and can act like human beings. If a place like that even does exist.
There are only a few relationships worth fixing, but there are plenty I can just toss away. My mom will never hear from me again, unless she gets help and heals her old wounds. My mom’s family and her friends, and anyone that talks to my mom is not worth my time. I don’t have the time to defend myself for how bad my mom treated me, and anyone that defends my mom is blind and not worth the effort. You think I sound dramatic? You think that sounds immature? Well, you must be one of them.
I just feel clouded by all these problems and people who don’t benefit me whatsoever. I can’t even think clearly. If I just get away and be on my own for the first time in my life, maybe I can really start thinking about what I want and who I am. The only thing keeping me alive, now, is this blog. That’s how lost I am. It’s not like I’m pushing away anyone who tries to help me, either. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I’m so desperate for help that I ask anyone and everyone if they could hear what I have to say. I don’t really know what to do. If I never find a reason to live again, if I’m just going to be a zombie forever until I die, what’s the point of even trying? It makes total sense why someone would end their life in this way. At least they can start their lives from fresh after it happens. I don’t think suicide is as dramatic as people think it is. Sometimes there really are no solutions, sometimes you get so lost in your head that the only solution is to kill yourself. That’s why it happens all the time.
If everyone was going through this same kind of depression, you’d think we’d all be sharing it, right? I mean, it’s a pretty common problem. But, people choose to deny it, and are so secretive about it. I don’t get it. I’m not ashamed to share how I feel. I feel comfortable being open. Yes, when I was younger I was more secretive and you probably couldn’t detect it at all, but for crying out loud, I’m 24 now. Anyone my age or older shouldn’t be so closed off. You’re not fixing the problem itself, you’re hiding it and it’s never going to go away unless we all come together and share that we all feel like crap. Stop living in denial.
The fact that no one is going to share my sentiments (most likely) helps me understand why I can’t form better relationships with people. If you can’t be honest and open, there’s no point. I’m not ashamed to say, “hey, I’m kind of confused about myself, I’m not sure what I want and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I actually feel pretty depressed most of the time.” Admitting I have a problem is not a bad thing. I am aware of my problems and I believe it’s important to share it with someone, especially if it’s an intimate relationship. I’m not talking about romantic relationships only, I mean anyone that you have an intimate bond with. Your parents, siblings, and close friends are intimate relationships.
Most of all, I’m just sick of getting the blame for everything. I guess that’s what’s making me feel so weighed down. It really is all just an illusion, but never underestimate the power of the mind. I was brainwashed and manipulated so well, that letting go of these illusions is the hardest part of all. I’m going crazy.
I just have to keep reminding myself, that there are others going through what I’m going through. There are kids who are caught up in the same nightmare. I feel like I have a responsibility for them. I’m not afraid to use my transparency and my openness to help them and the whole situation at large. It makes me feel like what happened to me, happened for a reason. This blog is the first step, but I’m not going to stop.
If you are a parent and you have not seen Ryan Thomas’s videos yet, go to his facebook page (or youtube channel), Ryan Thomas Speaks, and check it out. He has made several articulate, and well thought out videos describing his experience of being a manipulated child in the game of alienation. His videos actually first came public during a time where I was looking for other kids of PA, and I couldn’t find anyone who shared my similar experiences. So it was kind of a moment of serendipity when I found his videos. They helped me understand my own situation so much, and inspired me to start my own blog, which I wanted to make for a while but never had the audience until now. I think it’s great that everyone is finally starting to connect and we are all putting the pieces together from this blown up catastrophe, and we finally don’t feel alone. The worst part of this nightmare was being alone and having no one to understand what you are going through. Now, we are all coming together in numbers and using our experiences to help us get back the control we lost.
Ryan just posted a video, that I think will only be up for a week so watch it now, describing how his manipulator used specific tactics that onset the alienation with his father:
It covers what I was talking about previously. How my mom used “long needles” to control me and my thoughts, read my post, “The Truth Pill is Hard to Swallow”.
I’m making a post soon where I will talk about Narcissists and everything I know about them, so stay tuned.
Could this statement BE more true than the truth itself? ha.
A big part of coming to the realization process of what happened to me, was accepting the true reality. Deep down in the subconscious mind lies the soul’s authentic self. The authentic self is like an individual’s personality in its truest form. A child is born into their authentic self. The authentic self has an infinite need to love, be loved, and to be free in its pursuit for peace and happiness. In every single individual on this planet, lies the authentic self. Every person is capable of doing good and having complete love for themselves.
It’s a concept that is difficult to believe, because in some way or another, we have been programmed to believe that if we ever stray from this authentic self, we are permanently defected and cannot change. We build walls around ourselves to protect us from the truth because we have grown comfortably attached to this false idea of who we are.
In my case, I was strayed from my authentic self to the extreme. Every child who has a bond with their parent does not naturally hate and reject them. It takes a lot of programming and indoctrinating to make a child do this to a parent who they once had a healthy and loving relationship with. The process of fully programming a child this way, to make them alienate a parent they love, is the most traumatic and painful experience for a kid to go through. It viciously detaches them from their authentic identity.
The child develops Stockholm Syndrome because they are in such a vulnerable position and believe that the alienating parent is the only parent they have left. They grow up miserable, because they are controlled like a puppet by this parent. They do not learn self sufficiency or how to use autonomous thinking. Instead of learning to use critical thinking, rational logic, and how to love unconditionally, the child has an unhealthy codependency with the abusive parent who believes the child is an extension of their self. The child loses half of their identity by cutting off one parent, and gets plagued by the Narcissistic personality of the other parent.
I grew up believing that my mom was a victim and that my dad was the cause and to blame for her own shortcomings. Even though I fully resented her by age 16 or 17, I had like an obligation to still defend her and be her emotional crutch.
When I reached my 20’s I came to some shocking realizations. I learned that everything she had said about my dad was a lie. I learned that I wasn’t responsible for the fact that she couldn’t take care of herself. I learned that she had been controlling my life financially, using me as hostage to get money from my dad, and stealing money that was not hers. I learned that half of my life had been a complete lie up until that point.
These things surfaced on their own, and I already was beginning to see why my dad could not live with my mom because of her inability to act humanely with me on a day to day basis. I already knew she was abusive, but I had to accept the fact that I did not deserve to be treated that way.
Imagine during the brainwashing process, my mom had put long needles in different parts of my body, and every time I said something that challenged the false reality she had created, she would twist one needle or push it in further. This is obviously an analogy, but the pain I experienced psychologically was just as traumatic. For example, if I told her she was being immature or unfair, if I said something that made complete sense, she would jab at one of the needles by saying, “You know, you are just like your f***ing a**hole father! Why don’t you go and live with him, you are made for each other!” I had lived almost a decade with these needles in my body, rigidly constricting me from pursuing anything that brought me happiness, peace, or pleasure.
Taking the first steps to contact my dad and meet up with him was the start to removing some of the needles. It’s been a year since our reunification, and I am still having difficulty removing all the needles. The hardest part for me is being able to say “Dad”. I just can’t do it, I think if I did, I would just break down. But I know I’ll get there, one day. It’s kind of surreal to think of how easy it was as a kid to just say “Daddy”, and now I have problems just looking him in the eye. Can you imagine what that would feel like?
Anyways, I am on the path to healing, and have even found an amazing Horse Therapist in Sedona, Arizona that I will go up for this break to see. I am nervous but excited to visit the beautiful rocky landscapes and get back in touch with myself.
I’m so thankful to be where I am today. It’s so relieving to just be open and not keep my secrets rotting inside me. I would never imagine that I could be this free again.
For those who have come to this blog for PA Awareness Day, and want to know what the heck Parental Alienation is, here is my quick definition: Parental Alienation is a situation that happens when two parents divorce, and one parent who (unknown by themselves or anyone else) has a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or in extreme cases, Psychopathy, becomes so angry and hurt at the other parent, that they use their children as pawns to vindictively get revenge against that parent. What this “alienating parent” will do, is brainwash and indoctrinate their kids into believing that the other parent, the “targeted parent”, is evil, a threat to their safety, does not love them, and does not want to be with them. The alienating parent has created a false reality for the children, and the children who once loved and cared for their parent, are suddenly screaming, fighting, crying, and throwing fits when they are in the presence of the targeted parent. The alienating parent will lie continuously, to their friends, to family court, to the children, and even to the point where they are so delusional, they begin to believe their own lies. Soon, the children have fully rejected the targeted parent, and the alienating parent will force the children to begin new lives, and isolate them from anyone associated with the targeted parent, including all friends and family. In some extreme cases, the alienating parent will make up reasons why they have to move to another city or state, and even more extreme cases, move to another country and change the child’s birth name. The children grow up very angry and confused, and lose their sense of identity. They struggle academically, socially, and deal with extreme anxiety and depression. They are forced to repress their true feelings and become disassociated with their authentic self. The alienating parent, as a Narcissist, becomes extremely controlling of their lives, and abuses them verbally or in some cases, physically everyday in their home, which has become like a cult. Verbal abuse is more harmful to the children than physical abuse. It is also undetectable by anyone else, because the scars are internal, unlike with physical abuse. The children internalize the emotions their parent subjects them to, and begin to hate themselves, developing low self esteem and self worth. They believe they are defected, and something is wrong with them, so their behavior in life outside the home is remarkably unusual and abnormal. Years will go by that the children ignore their targeted parent, who fights very hard to have them in their life. Lawyers and family court do not care about the best interest of the child, so they drag on the fight as long as they can for their own financial gain. The targeted parent will fight years and years for their children. The children grow into adults and sometimes never come to the full realization that their lives have been a lie. Some will never see their parent again by choice.
For an article going more in depth about PA, check out this article: http://www.majorfamilyservices.com/parental-alienation-syndrome-pas-its-causes-cures-costs-and-controversies.html
You probably have never even heard the term Parental Alienation. That is exactly the purpose for bringing awareness to this issue. Until last month, I knew a little about the term because my dad told me about it, but I didn’t really know how much of an epidemic this has become internationally. I have found numerous support groups and organizations that have helped me understand so much about Parental Alienation. If it weren’t for this community of people, I would still be very lost. My goal is to get Parental Alienation so well known, that kids and families everywhere can have access to knowledgeable resources so they can identify right away if they are a case of “Parental Alienation”. Therapists and the mental health system are not trained or educated about this disorder, so they cannot recognize it or know how to handle it. It is also not in the DSM, so the courts do not recognize it as a valid disorder. Really, it should be a symptom of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
To clear confusion about what Narcissistic Personality disorder is, let me explain that it is NOT to be confused with the Greek god Narcissus or with vanity. The term was actually adapted from Megalomania. A true Narcissist does not love their self too much, instead they have complete hate for their self. They are completely out of touch with their authentic self. The Narcissistic child had experienced a painful childhood trauma that they never learned to heal from, and carry that wound into their adult lives. They never deal with it as adults, because doing so will cause too much pain, so they avoid it at all costs. If they have children, their children inherit this wound, and risk becoming Narcissists themselves.
Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-5, include:
A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):
a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain
B. Pathological personality traits in the following domain:
Antagonism, characterized by:
a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.
b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.
C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.
D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual‟s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.
E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).
If you want to know my story with PA, I have several posts here, so feel free to read your heart out. Don’t forget to tell someone today what you have learned about Parental Alienation. Have a great day.
“If nothing else is left, one must scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.”
I don’t want pity
I want understanding
I don’t want judgement
I want compassionate empathy
I don’t want to blame
I want to empower myself and learn
I don’t want to hate
I want an open heart
I don’t want to feel guilt
I want to grow
I don’t want to feel ugly
I want to see the good in others
I don’t want to be abused
I want to set boundaries
I don’t want to be a victim
I want to be a survivor
I don’t want to live a life in painful silence
I want to share my story
I don’t want the helpless to feel alone
I want to change the world